Dear Beautiful Friends,
This is a confession.
Because I was older—almost 50—when I got married, I thought I would ROCK the chapel of marriage.
I thought because I was older & wiser, and read a few books, had some of my own experiences, I would slip into the partner-wife role like a natural.
[Yes, please, go ahead and take this time to laugh. I will.]
This didn’t happen. But it did produce a lot of questions, curiosities and micro breakdowns.
Here are some questions the experience of committing to a person and a life with that person has unearthed. During the Love & Marriage salon earlier this year, an intimate group of us sunk ourselves into these questions, explored and shared and I swear I haven’t been the same since.
So here are some questions for you, a bit of a take-away salon & reflecting exercise. Be as open-minded as possible, and take away all personalizing as best as you can.
SOME QUESTIONS FOR ALL LOVING HUMANS
What is a marriage? Write your own definition. What can it be, beyond your limited (or wildest) imaginations?
How do two people share their lives, create a life together, and evolve as humans separately and together? How do *you* do this?
How can you push the edges of the relationship container and crack open to something new?
What if a committed relationship is the ultimate spiritual learning tool, and we know this, so that’s why we seek “marriage”? — and it’s not about security, comfort, companionship and all that jazz.
What are some of the marriage myths (must travel well together, must communicate) that we can dismantle?
What if we expected less — do we dare?
The extraordinary marriage vs the ordinary one
What if living with someone and not killing them is extraordinary
What if your spouse is perfect for you?
What happens when one day you want to do everything differently? Gulp. Now what?
Can I interest you in a little do-nothing intimacy?
What cracks you up about living with someone?
One of my favorite books the past year (or two?) is Heather Havrilesky's bold, brilliant and artful memoir, "Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage.” Here’s a small outtake.
"Marriage is designed to break you . . . We talk about marriage like it’s just something people do, no big deal. We pretend that once you’re married, you’re either happy or unhappy, a binary system, on or off. But the truth is so much murkier and also much more frightening and exciting and joyful than that. Marriage grinds your face into the dirt until you can see new colors and taste new flavors. But you have to show up and invite it all in. You can’t hide."
Parting note: I became so baffled and curious about this thing we call *marriage* and how unnaturally it came to me, that I’m writing an entire memoir about it, which I hope to have finished revising (for the third time) by the end of the year.
Drop any thoughts, ideas, delights, bafflement, learnings in comments. xo
Share this post