The Marriage Experience Gap
File Under: No One Tells You About, And It's Still Beautiful
Dear Beautiful Romantics and Practical Peeps,
Behold the couple in the photo, smiling against a backsplash of tulips. They are approaching 10 years of marriage this summer. One of us got a late start and is on her first marriage 🙋🏻♀️ which = a grand total of 10 years married in a lifetime that will reach (hopefully) 60 sun loops this November.
That comes out to > 17 percent of life married.
The second person (silver fox) is in his second marriage. His first, which began the summer after college, lasted for 33 happy years. When this husband reaches his cumulative 43 years of married life, he will be 68.
This comes out to < 63 percent of his life married.
WIFE: 17 percent of life married.
HUSBAND: 63 percent of life married.
You can’t miss that gap. It’s huge. This couple is eight years apart, so it’s not the age gap that’s the mischief maker. Nope! It’s one under-acknowledged category in the Navigating Differences category of Married Life:
THE EXPERIENCE GAP💃🏿🕺🏻
After wife says “I do” in front of 140 friends & family, she stomps into her marriage container with all her I’M-FINALLY-MARRIED energy. Hungry, salivating, 49 yrs old and eager to make up time; she has an imagination filled with To Dos, and is ready to GET GOING. Adventure! Travels! Walks that last forever! Talking for hours and hours. Can we set some goals? Journal in cafes together (husband’s still howling at this one)? What shall we ACHIEVE together? “Hey! Husband! What do you plan to do with your wild and precious life? Let’s get this party started!”
The 58-year-old new husband has two grown kids, two grandkids, he’s done the family ski trips, camped in the rain, ridden the career escalator to the top and got off never to return thank you very much. His party started DECADES ago. He’s in full-on chill mode. Husband is a gardener, home improvement artist. His answer to the existential “Hey! Husband!”question amounts to a chill, “What I’m doing right now.”
Wife: 😤
Husband: 😵💫
Wife: But I’m ready to do ALL THE THINGS!!
Husband [Having done all the things]: Then do all the things. I’ll be in the yard.
Wife: BUT I WANT TO DO ALL THE THINGS WITH YOU ….
Husband: Sigh. [Hangs in there as new wife flops around and figures a few things out, which includes writing an entire manuscript about marrying later in life, and how she was going to be the BEST love partner the world has ever seen (“I’ll show all you long-marrieds!” she hollered in her made-up world) and oops, no she wasn’t oh no oh no, WHERE IS THE MANUAL, she kept wondering. The love gods are still laughing at her hubris.]
Here’s another thing the wife finally tunes in to:
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